I tend to struggle to understand some of the most ‘simple’ things as a person who is considered as a “free-spirit” who questions the world/society and it’s man-made laws. In fact, tend to struggle with many things in life including tasks given at work to conversations. But many don’t know that as they simply don’t ask. As I live, I aim to be more free than the day before and happy. Some may consider some of the best things to have as freedoms, while others consider it as some form of oppression. It’s all down to perspective and your experiences, I believe. Some people may feel they cannot have a job to enjoy a great life whereas some believe having a job is the key to having a successful life. Some have fears of other things that many would value. It took me a while to get my head around it and to admit it to myself but I feel as if I have inherited this fear of love and relationships. Continue reading “Intimacy: My View and Fear of It…”
I’ve decided that after a long period of staying in silence that I would come out wearing my heart entirely on my sleeve and share with you some things that have been fighting to come off of my chest. Parts of this post has been sitting in my drafts for quite a while as I felt I wasn’t ready to share something so personal. To those who are good friends of mine, family, to those who have seen me, met me a few times or even spoken to me at least once, to those who have even worked with me, this may be a shocking entry, but one that I need to share with you all. So please, read this with a sensible mind… Continue reading “Suicide & Depression: Why It Is No Joke”
I feel rather lost at this point of my life. I’m not sure if I’ve been feeling rather low because of recent things in my life or because of the fact that I work in a place where no sun light can be seen during the day. Or maybe it’s both.
Recently, I find myself losing attention a lot more and it’s starting to become harder for me to maintain it, especially if something doesn’t interest me. At work, I feel unmotivated to do anything and I end up taking minute-long pauses in the stockroom where I blank out and gaze into nothingness. I don’t even hear my thoughts, I don’t even pay attention to time or the tasks or the footsteps of people who are walking around me. I zone out and force myself to snap out. It sort of reminds me of when I’ve had sleep paralysis where I’d be in deep sleep and want to wake up but something is preventing me from waking up so I have to fight my way out of that state. A scary experience.
My mind has been polluted with a large amount of overwhelming thoughts and not often positive ones. I can’t get my mind off of my last relationship. In fact, I’m still in love with the person but it’s so difficult to move on and admit that it would never happen again, no matter how many times you lie to them and yourself about giving other’s a chance. In my mind, I play scenarios of things happening again and it all working out for the long run because honestly, I was saved by someone who I felt was an angel. But realistically, I believe it will be my last; I don’t see a future in having a family with anyone and I certainly don’t see myself getting married, even if I was happier. Because of this, I steer away from getting to know a woman because they’d most likely want that and I don’t (or I’m just not mentally and emotionally fit enough to even go out on a date or even be in a relationship).
With my hand on my heart, I can say that I overthink way too much and it disrupts my train of thoughts, leaving me unsocial at the worst of times. The worst thing about it is forcing this false happiness; I just can’t do it anymore. I’m at a point where it hurts more to smile as lies inflict more pain and anybody that tells me to smile would instantly start a fight. I’m tired of having to cheer up because somebody said so if nobody is going to take the pain away. It’s that offensive to me and that’s problematic.
The worst part of the failed relationship is not knowing why it ended. Sure, I could ask why but do you know how much my confidence has lowered since initially breaking up? Growing up, asking for help was seen as embarrassing and it’s always been instilled in me. It’s been lowered so much that I hardly ask people for anything and I am very awkward when I have to ask things like that. My lack of confidence has affected me so much that I have troubles doing job interviews or even following through with opportunities that come towards me. An old friend who I haven’t seen in over 5 years noticed that my confidence flew out of the window and it has always been something I try to hide hence why I don’t go out to raves and parties unless they’re small gatherings where people can chill.
The words “do you miss me” or “I love you” when platonically speaking agitates me when they say it. The question tears me up inside and telling me you love me no longer means anything if it isn’t what I want to hear. Often I find myself wanting to reply to that with “no you don’t” or ask “really?” or even questioning them by saying “if you do, then why did it end?” or just a simple “save it”. I’m not uncomfortable with expressing myself and showing how I feel. I’ve had enough of being a black male that has to suppress all his feelings and having to toughen up because your honest emotions isn’t considered masculine.
Feeling like this affects me in many other ways; I have crushes on other women but the problem with that is what they want eventually and that often petrifies me. Marriage doesn’t interest me and even if I do have a change of heart, they have to be a super special person that I would die for. It’s like I have to keep my distance with people because of it and I know they’d love to get married and have kids. Who wouldn’t (apart from me)? With that said, loving me would place a burden on both myself and Cupid’s victim. People would expect too much from me and I don’t know how to handle it. Besides that, I don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone. As if my presence is just about worth something and half of the things I say are misunderstood. Nobody wants someone who lacks confidence whether it’s to do with love or work. And if they don’t mind, then it’s pretty rare. At times, I’ve had to force this false confidence out of me. I wear it like one of my badges but once I’m home and get changed into more suitable clothing, it’s hung up next to my favourite torn denim jacket for another day.
Maybe this is my second-wave of depression or maybe it’s the same one that never went. I don’t know but what I do know is that it’s fuelled by unsuccessful intimate bonds where my longest is 4 months and I’ve always wanted more and feeling like I’m running on a treadmill in life where I’m doing so much but feeling like you’re going nowhere. Nothing at this moment can bring me back to the same level of happiness as my pre-teen years where love was unknown to me and saying the word grossed me out.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense or if there’s a clear structure but I just needed to get this off of my mind. If you do see this, I understand if you’re concerned about me but I’d rather not talk about it because it holds me back. I’ve refrained myself on a few more things but I want to keep that to myself. If you know me personally, please don’t talk to others who know me about this and please don’t ask if I’m ok. I’d rather you not just so you avoid small talk.
I’ve stated in the past that I am a fan of nude art, especially through photography and as a budding photographer, my aim to work on meaningful and conceptual projects highlighting issues that can enlighten others with positive messages through creative ways and nudity. I am all in favour of women’s liberation, especially black women from their natural hair to their own bodies. However, I feel that despite the beauty of a woman and her body, her own temple is being over-sexualised. Not just by the media, but by the average man (who pretty much run the media). Now, I’d be a lying fool if I said I don’t admire the (naked) body of a woman. But I feel as if us men can make the most natural things or even something which is considered “unattractive” (according to mainstream standards of beauty) such a big deal but the question I want to know is should this be considered a societal/conditioning issue? Continue reading “The Female Body (From a Dude’s Perspective),”
I still struggle to come to you and let you know what’s on my mind and I often worry about if I’m being too honest with it too often.
Every now and then, I have the urge to open up, blab and share what my heart feels.
But at times I also feel as if I’ve said enough or even too much. And because of that, I find it hard to share feelings the moment I feel it or just to let you know that I still feel the same way.
It’s been a little while since we last hung out. On the bed watching Stanley Kubrick films and having a conversation about the themes of the movie. About conspiracy theories. Love. Jealousy. That was the night where intimacy was low but the cuddle provides me with what was missing. The beauty of it all laid in your presence and warmth. How little such things as your company may seem but it means the world when I have it.
I heard you sing not long ago. On Snapchat, actually. And your voice had me speechless. Crooning on my screen had me frozen still before I melted into my seat at the time. That was when I realised all the fun I was having at the time could be better if you were around…
I’ve always believed that we are spirits, molecules of energy compressed into this physical body who are currently experiencing life as human beings for an average of 6-7 decades.
And this stage that we are currently in is just an educational experience where we realise how powerful, how destructive we as energy really are and what we are capable of.
We are molecules that are all linked to a mysterious superior being. Neither cowardly or inferior but superior we are. …and we are a fraction of “it”.
And as bodies of energy, we are exposed to the magnificent and ugly natures of the world and co-exist simultaneously in 2 places at once: heaven and hell.
Hell: A place where (H)armful (A)ttacks (T)owards (E)veryone exists..
Heaven: Our ultimate destination where we experience (L)ife’s (O)nly (V)aluable (E)motion.
The thoughts of being accompanied by you,
And tender touches of your skin placed upon on mine can drive a perfectly sane soul to the edge of insanity..
Knowing that feelings have not diminished ever,
But intensifies whenever I am in your presence.
The butterflies that flutter in my gut heightens as the trembling causes my knees to weaken;
A delightful yet uncontrollable feeling, activated by none other than your infectious smile,
That comes accompanied by those distinctive dimples that could easily light up my cold, dark, depressive room,
Leaving an ever-lasting impression on any soul attracted to your beauty.
I call it ‘Cupid’s Chokehold’;
A lethal move where one grabs you unexpectedly, applies pressure onto you until you become weak.
Slowly, but surely, the mind, body and soul submits to something far more superior than (H)armful (A)ttacks (T)owards (E)veryone, but providing one with (L)ife’s (O)nly (V)aluable (E)motion.